With the NBA Playoffs right around the corner, and the Kevin Ware fueled men’s college game in the rearview, here’s to the ladies.

The face of women’s college basketball for the past two years has been Brittney Griner. Brittney initially exploded onto the national scene with superficial criticism regarding her physique, followed by multiple in-game dunks, and highlighted by a National Championship last year. This year, after cruising through an undefeated regular season, her Baylor Lady Bears cruised into the Elite Eight of this year’s tournament before flaming out against the Louisville Cardinals. Brittney’s final season should be remembered for her bold proclamation: no one can beat us except for the Miami Heat (in the midst of their historic win streak nonetheless). I had the privilege of watching the second half of their collapse, and must commend Odyssey Sims on her performance for the Lady Bears; to imply that Brittney threw that game would be an understatement. Although Brittney was offensively limited due to constant double teams from a zone defense, she disappeared completely on defense and watched a layup line ensue.

With Baylor gone, the nation turned to Skylar Diggins and Notre Dame to carry women’s basketball athletics into the limelight. Immediately following Brittney’s sellout, we were treated to an emotionally charged Skylar carrying Notre Dame into the Final Four. Notre Dame then lost their next game, and the Connecticut Huskies subsequently won their eighth national championship. For perspective, Connecticut and Tennessee account for sixteen of the thirty two national championships in NCAAW basketball history. As it turns out, I can’t recall who won Most Outstanding Player, or name any of the Connecticut players after Maya Moore and Tina Charles left; alas, their coach, Geno Auriemma, is who will be remembered.

The women's game needs marketable names, not Mark Cuban instigating the likelihood of a woman in the NBA. Elena Delle Donne of Delaware is the favorite to usurp the title during her senior season. While we’re aware of Andrew Wiggins and Jabari Parker entering the men’s college ranks as definite one and done lottery picks, it’s far more difficult to stay abreast of incoming female stars. Pay attention, as the weather warms and women storm the courts in ever increasing numbers, because they’re so far under the radar, it’s not far-fetched to find yourself playing with one.

Ask a group of men about women and we’ll readily admit that we’re stupefied. Ask a group of women about men, and prepare for a torrent of misinformed garbage spew from their delicate lips. Ladies, for the supposedly smarter sex, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Some blame magazines, I blame absentee fathers. If no one took the time to outline simple terms for a desirable relationship, then I’ve teamed up with David Cesar to combat some misconceptions and respond to unrealistic checklists like the above and below:

By no stretch of the imagination is the following list complete, although we have agreed that each point lays an admirable foundation for compromise:

• Cleans the home wearing stilettos and lingerie, cleaning the home is optional.
• Eagerly trades massages for home cooked meals, and vice versa; we're always eager for either, no man turns down or sulks over a massage or home cooked meal in return for the other.
• Makes a sandwich after sex, we would if we weren’t immediately exhausted; we kill spiders, your evolutionary advantages are just as important.
• Reciprocates compliments; we appreciate your beautiful ability to make yourself any more beautiful.
• Saves as much as she spends; because ten pairs of Christian Louboutins amount to the opening cost of retirement property.
• Calmly expresses her frustrations, and welcomes assistance to overcome obstacles; we really want to help, we would do anything to end perpetual sob stories.
• Doesn't invite ratchet television, friends, or relatives into our home; we make repairs with ratchets, don't break our home.
• Public disposition between Angela Basset and Phylicia Rashad.
• Private submissive hedonist between Kim Kardashian and Ciara.

You’ve been given the recipe; reverse engineer at will. If you insist on being stubborn, a unique snowflake, or legion to the same Marilyn Monroe who died of a drug overdose, then here are four final tips to best relate to the man in your life:

• Play with his dick
• Play with his dick
• Play with his dick
• Play with his dick

Finally, no, I am not a chauvinist. I love women, I treat women respectfully, I have argued in favor of suffrage more times than I care to disclose. If you’re still not satisfied with these suggestions or their ethical nature, then imagine each suggestion comes with a bottle of Merlot, or add a sense of humor to the list. Happy Valentine’s Day!

As a moderately handsome man, I have a few of these stories, I know your plight ladies; hell, accept my apologies for every failed attempt at wooing your sisterhood. I vividly remember this one time in Tampa, Florida. I was on the bus, can’t recall where I was going, and I sat next to a rotund lady with a friendly face. Her face was friendly, not attractive; for anyone adamant about beauty being in the eye of the beholder, I did not behold beauty on that bus. On some days I wear a titanium wedding band on my left ring finger. Like an ethical fool, I always seem to reveal my farce when someone inevitably questions my marriage. Besides my bachelorhood preference, the ring subconsciously relieves pressure from conversations with females, their friends, colleagues, and so on; I’m also very well mannered, I can generously compliment, and by nature my intentions can be confused. I mention the ring because it’s been forgotten as she strikes a conversation.

We get to the fact that I arrived from New York, which is a desirable trait for all women without ties to New York; then her questions became more personal: Are you here with anyone, to see anyone, away from someone? I’m paraphrasing, I can’t be exact this far after the fact; what I do know is, I kept saying, no and no one. Finally, she asks if I want to hang out some time; I tell her, no and never. This doesn’t dissuade her from expressing her feelings; I’m flattered, and that doesn’t dissuade me from scoffing at her date proposal. My faux wedding band suddenly comes to mind, at which point I showcase it and blurt out something about my wife’s approval. Instead of referencing the omission of a wife from my previous statements, this woman proceeds to instigate an affair. These were her words, you’ll have to envision her easy callousness: if she’s not with you, then she won’t mind! Just like that. We’re not talking about *insert gorgeous woman I would briefly picture nude before rebuffing nonetheless* here. I must have blacked out after she so unceremoniously offended my matrimonial sanctity, because I recall hearing myself, like a spectator, say, I love my wife more than anyone will ever love you. And I promptly exited the bus a full stop early. Florida heat is tragic; I will always remember that walk. I’m still trying to forget that woman.

Something close to my heart is Secret deodorant, it's applied directly to my armpits, less than a foot away from each ventricle. Being raised by three women, my choices as an active boy were limited - and we searched.

We tried deodorants packaged with colognes - throw those Brute bars directly in the trash bin. Davidoff? No! I've found Right Guard spray cans make better flame thrower components than odor eliminators, and that original smell is toxic. Tried to go natural twice, applied a Toms brand, and Arm and Hammer variants on different days - regret both days. The recent headlining contenders for rectifying male perspiration have been Old Spice and Axe Body Spray, both of which I have commended for comedic value, and avoided for their gimmicky nature; thanks guys, I have what works and don't need your product to attract women.

My secret is out, consider this humility, that "made for a woman" quip is daunting; at least I'll be able to raid my wife's deodorant supply. Rounding Prospect Park, or after hours of sun beaten basketball, like a commercial, Secret keeps me feeling comfortably refreshed. Let's not get into soap, those Dove bars are amazing. Women know what they're doing, while Irish Spring has left me feeling like a mopped floor.

• You're not the problem, sincerely, it's me; and we aren't a solution. This is not a standard, it is a genuine explanation for anyone in search of one.
• Promote a woman sculpting her body over women concealing their excess; you hear as much if you ask around, then see the settling if you pay attention. #spandex
• Women who completely draw their eyebrows on scare me; superficial modifications aside, a woman's true physical beauty is judged by what survives a shower.
• Walking is a mode of transportation first, then the LOWEST excuse for exercise; or, saying you need to workout is not working out.
• It’s only fair to question a person’s ability to understand ideas based on their ability to communicate ideas; especially since most devices now come with spell check.