Well known secret: my glasses have been broken for some time now. It’s one of those things that illicit subtle stares to confirm they’re indeed broken, without asking any questions. Like with the occasional pimple, most people will not point at your face in passing; however, like the eczema on a sufferer’s neck, it’s hard not to glance every now and then to quietly wonder about treatment. So I get it, I just don’t care. To prioritize functionality over aesthetics means I would amputate my own foot if it meant more speed: four minute mile speed for starters. If you thought the functionality of wearing glasses was to impress you, then you’ve done your self evaluation a great disservice.

My plan was to walk into the glasses store with a coupon for a $20 eye exam and prescription, then search for a suitable frame online. Being a technologist, I already vowed to never go in-store shopping again once Amazon develops same day delivery. About this coupon idea, no one likes printers, and I was worried that the clerk wouldn’t use the recycle bin. Of course I printed the coupon nonetheless, because I wouldn’t dare expect them to honor the deal without wasting trees.

My exam experience was great though, the optometrist was a nice older gentleman surrounded by younger administrative folks. Afterwards the sales pitch started: Would you like to buy frames? Okay, how much are you paying there if you don’t mind me asking? Well I can also sell you something for under $100 and knock off the $20 cost of the exam. The real kicker was trying on the glasses with immediate feedback, having the frame and lenses ready within an hour, and peering into the sales clerk’s wide open blouse; which I don’t feel ashamed about, because that’s what the gaping cleavage was obviously there for.

About the glasses themselves, they’re awesome! I immediately tweeted:

That awesome moment a new pair of glasses can make all the difference: I see better, look better, and everyone else needs more makeup.

My last pair were very Malcolm X. I wanted something larger and not black; basically something that didn’t immediately tie me to politics and activism. The best my online searches turned up were a pair of plastic aviators I wasn’t sure would last a week in the real world. The breasts were kind enough to suggest two pairs I liked, the first were reminiscent of my last pair with a metal frame top and loose lens bottom. The second pair remains on my face. I love the look! They’re my first pair to equally encourage goofiness and professionalism with exclamation points! The online price difference was made up in terms of breasts and convenience.

Lastly, I almost purchased a pair of sunglasses, before remembering the lessons I learned and didn’t want to repeat from over wearing them a few years back. Prolonged sunglass wear makes your eyes very sensitive to sunlight. Once my I lost my first pair of Tom Fords, which I loved by the way, I could barely go anywhere without a visor. And second, I could no longer justify the confidence hidden behind my tinted wandering eyes; even a busty clerk should know her bust is appreciated. So I can look you in the eye; if anything, without spending the extra money to remove glare from my lenses, it’s possible you can blind yourself attempting to look at me.

Contacts are next, I think I’ll go with white pupils!